Quietly and firmly – On setting boundaries

In January 2005 my daughter was approaching three and a half. During the last six to eight months I had begun to slip into power struggles with her, finding myself getting angry and frustrated with her. I was also negotiating by withholding; if you don’t do this, we won’t do that. I didn’t like it but couldn’t find an alternative, particularly at the moment of impact. Sofie was becoming more aggressive, less and less co-operative and I sensed a build up of resentment as I came towards her armed with coat and hat. That was the worst time, trying to get her to put on a coat to go out into the garden or park: I was forcing her arms in. I remember thinking brute physical force can’t be the answer.

When I was given the information about a Lourdes Callen workshop I knew in an instant that this was one I had to attend.

The day after a most inspirational workshop I was ready to put some of what I had learned into practice. I felt calm and collected and most importantly much more clear about my ability to deal with situations firmly and kindly.

Sofie ran off screaming, “I’m not going to wear my coat”. I stood for a moment, quietly centring myself. I held the coat in front of me and breathed deeply. I search inside: what did this situation require, what did Sofie need in this moment? I knew it was too cold for her to be without a coat.

During this silence, Sofie came to a complete halt, looked at me in a quizzical way and began to walk a few steps towards me. Very quietly, but firmly, I said “Mummy would really like you to put you’re coat on”.

“OK mummy” came the reply as she ran, arms outstretched and into the coat. We held hands and skipped off to the park. I was dumbfounded. How could it be this easy! I wanted to tell everyone.

I have never had any problems with Sofie and her coat again!